I’ve spent a bit of time lately listening to Dan Savage’s ‘Savage Love’ podcast. The show covers everything from teen pregnancy, to ‘my boyfriend is gay’ to sneezing fetishes.
Whaaat?! Yes, you heard me correctly. Sneezing fetishes.
I’m choosing this for today’s topic because the territory is just so… moist.
What is a sneeze fetish?
A sneeze fetish from what I understand is being sexually aroused at the act of or the idea of a sneeze.
The closest I’ve ever come to being aroused by a sneeze is wondering (during a sneezing fit) whether that whole ‘8 sneezes cause an orgasm’ thing is true. In my experience, nothing grand ever happened, but I do believe 8 sneezes to someone with a sneeze fetish could result in an orgasm. It makes sense in theory.
What’s to love about sneezes?
What sneeze fetishists enjoy most is the uncontrollable release of energy. They enjoy the sound, the sight, the facial expressions, the pauses and the sniffles that come in between sneezes.
In fact, the thing that turns them on the most is that a sneeze is that complete loss of control that we’d normally save for behind closed doors.
The sneeze fetish community has a message for us:
We should embrace sneezing, because sneezing is sexy.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t think my sneezes could ever be sexy. I clamp my nose shut, close my eyes and then it’s more like I’m self combusting rather than exploding. In fact, my Dad always used to tell me that one day I’d burst my eardrums with how I sneeze. Perhaps that makes me one of the ‘bad girls’ of the sneezing world. Everyone loves a bad girl, don’t they? Grr.
This is a girl who sneezes with her eyes open. Scary.
I think I’d be a dream for sneeze fetishists as I literally live on anti-allergy tablets. I’m allergic to everything, dust, flowers, cats, more flowers. Basically, if it’s beautiful or cute, I’m allergic to it. But would that make me attractive to someone with a sneeze fetish? Are there fetishes within a fetish?
Yes. Sneeze fetishists enjoy different types of sneezes. Some enjoy allergic sneezes, others enjoy the sneezes associated with a cold because there’s that whole ‘let me be your nurse’ thing going on.
According to my ‘research’, allergy sufferers are the pick of the bunch because it’s all of the sneezing sexiness and less of the germs. I can understand that.
If I had a sneeze fetish, I think I’d make my home in Victoria, Australia. Victoria has the most pollen in the entire world, and is the worst place to live if you suffer allergies. I’d apply strategy and creativity to creating the perfect environment for my fetish. I’d host ‘Hay Parties’, or ‘Flower Parties’, and before everyone arrived I’d race around and stir everything up to make sure the irritants were flying for my guests. I don’t think I’d host a mould party though. That would feel a bit wrong. No disrespect to those with mould fetishes of course.
The good news is if you’re into sneezes they happen all year round. It’s the fetish that is always accessible, especially if you have a dusty home or black pepper in your cupboard. And the seasons bring such beautiful variations to sneezes. You really do have such light and shade. Summer and spring is for allergies, winter is for colds.
In the scheme of things, there are fetishes that far surpass sneezing. For instance, people who enjoy stomping on electrical items, sexy time with inflatable pool toys, and finally small animals dressed in party clothes.
In closing, the sneeze fetishists have taught me to embrace my sneezing for all of its uncontrollable glory. I’m going to sneeze like a Queen, or a Victoria’s Secret model, or a Roman guard that’s just come back from battle.
Embrace diversity. Embrace sneezing. You just never know who’s day you’ll make.