Today I was forced to Google something I’ve never had to before.
"How to get rid of a hickey".
Unfortunately I accidentally left a reminder of this morning’s passion on Jules’s neck, right before a family event. Yep, nice one Court. That’s one way to make an impression on people you’ve only met once before.
Firstly, I must assure you that this was not your stock standard hickey, circular in shape, high school style. This was a small smattering of tiny red dots. What can I say?! I’m a classy lady that was overcome by passion.
For your reference in case you’ve blurred this from your mind, this is a high school hickey:
This is what it looks like when a giant gives you hickeys:
What I gave Jules was a a bit like Kanye’s hickey on Kim K, even less than that.
You see, even at 32, hickeys still happen. It’s just that we as adults have stopped talking about it. Today, I am here to remind you that any type of passionate neck kissing can cause a hickey, it’s just that because we’re older and wiser we’ve become better at two things:
1. We don’t suck like vacuum cleaners anymore. While I’m on this, this analogy reminds me of a girl I went to primary school with who wanted a hickey so badly that she utilised the sucking end of the vacuum cleaner to give her a perfectly sphered love bite. Some people strive for perfection in everything they do.
2. We’ve become better at covering them up. Stage make-up, scarves, whatever it takes.
Alternatively, if you’re going to an event and feeling a little sleepy, an Animal Neck Pillow would serve you well. If you want to feel vaguely sexy, you could probably go with a cheetah or something. You know, a sexy animal.
So you’re probably interested as to what my Google results revealed. There seems to be 2 main methods of getting rid of a hickey:
The Cold Method
- Wrap ice in a paper towel and place it on your hickey. Press firmly and slowly move the ice around the surface of the hickey and the areas just around it. Try to leave the ice on for twenty minutes and then remove it for twenty minutes. Repeat as much as possible for the first day.
The Hot Method
Use this method to get rid of a hickey that has stuck around for at least 48 hours. Once, the burst blood vessels have healed, what is left is the blood that has collected under your skin. That blood will slowly disperse and be reabsorbed into your body. Heating up the area of the hickey will increase blood flow to the region, quickening the reabsorption of blood and helping to remove the hickey.
- Place a hot water bottle or warm compress on the area of the hickey for 10-20 minutes.
- If you don’t have a hot water bottle or warm compress, you can heat water, soak a towel in the hot water, and use that instead – just make sure it’s not too hot!
- Warning! Do not use the hot method within 48 hours of receiving the hickey. The burst capillaries may not have healed completely, and increasing blood flow to the area could make your hickey bigger!
Which one did I choose to try and repair the damage? I ran into the bathroom and gave Jules an ice pack wrapped in tissues. She has since resorted to stage-makeup, which she thinks makes her look like she hasn’t washed in a week. Which is the lesser evil though? A dirty neck I think.
What’s the moral of this story?
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, hickeys happen. It does not make you any less classy… Well, I’m definitely classier than this lady.
Wish me luck at the family dinner.